A Random Sampling of Hypotheses, Theories, and Immutable Laws Learned from Ten Years of Drinking and Talking with the Lushes Who Believe Them.

Immutable Law #7: Dear God, Monday Is Terrible.

I used to remember Sundays being pretty bad, and they still are, but it has been entirely replaced in the hierarchy by working Mondays. Not sure exactly when it turned into a two-days-later thing, but it did.

Note: If you happen to be a secretary, please remember the following: (1) if but one employee gets there on Monday and there’s no joe, you are now unemployed, and (2) Decaf! You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve been drinking decaf? Jesus, is the top of this pot orange? C’mon what do you think, I do this for my health? Jesus shit! Damn, okay, I’m sorry about your shirt. That should come right out though. Be sure to pre-treat. And I’m almost positive the burns are covered under the company plan.

Hypothesis #4: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun, or When You Have the Spins Real Bad and are Going to Lose It.

Frankly, there’s never enough time to really enjoy your position in life in either of these situations. This is only a theory because it is very easy to see that, when you decide to stay in and watch Laird with some short friends instead of going out on a Friday night, the time cannot go by quickly enough, despite your nagging suspicions that other people, in the bar down the street, might be having their time ‘fly.’

Theory #13: Being a Wingman Sucks, If For No Other Reason than Your So-Called Friend Used the Term ‘Wingman.’

I also hold strong to the belief that the wingman, reputed in light beer commercials to aid and possibly abet the alpha male with key decisions over the course of an evening, harms one’s ‘game’ to an infinite degree. Unless you are in Dupont.

Immutable Law #16: Vomit Is Not Vomit Unless Someone Else Sees It.

This important, hard-and-fast rule is really more of a family of rules. In its most common variety, it forces the stumbling inebriate to ask such brain-bending questions as “Can my stream of puke reach the toilet while my foot bars this broken-locked stall door?” and “I wonder how quiet the back-porch scene is at Daytona’s tonight, cause this line is way too long.”

There are, however, more exotic applications that have shown the rule to hold true as well in light of recent data. For example, when attempting to pass out in bed, particularly the bed of another, and the second part of Theory #4 (above) is nearing its full effect, it makes perfect sense to throw up under the pillow, replace the pillow, and then gracefully pass out on top of it. You can clean it up in the morning. Yeah, if that’s what pledges weren’t for.

Similarly, if you're taking a breather from your piss-poor dancing and vodka-sodas by sitting down at a crowded table at a dance club only to spew half-digested sushi bits all over the table, the proper two-part response is always to (1) look up at the ceiling while (2) using your forearm to wipe the puke onto your own lap. They probably missed it.

Corollary “B” to Hypothesis #4 above: I Could Never Cuddle and/or Spoon for This Long If I Wasn’t Shitcanned.

Unless your name starts with a “B” and ends with a “Ryan.”

Hypothesis #33: No-Cell-Phone-Time Should Be Observed Between Midnight and Seven a.m., But Isn’t.

There are so many reasons for this. We could start a movement. If you need to get home, or to slump-buster’s place, hail a cab. If you are not in a position to hail a cab, such as you are partying in Big Lake or cannot raise your arms, it’s best to either walk to a place of safety, such as one’s apartment or under a highway overpass, and sleep there until the sun, a bum, or an officer of the law wakes you up. You’ll thank me.

Immutable Law #21: The Partial Sentence “Let’s Go Back To My Place and…” May Only Be Followed By Five Select Phrases.

They may be used alone or together, and in any order. They are:

(1) “Finish that X and do that Y,” where X represents any intoxicating liquor OR Gatorade, and Y represents any stimulant or hallucinogenic drug, OR the words “thing where we pass out.”

(2) “Mate.”

(3) Any phrase that eventually includes the words “microwave,” “cheese” or “cheesy,” and “mouth.”

(4) “Cuddle and/or spoon.”**

(5) “Watch Laird.”

**Note: Included for humor value only. Must say ‘and/or.’

Hypothesis #51: The Question “Why Do I Keep Doing This?” Should Not Be Asked of One’s Self.

I’ve decided it’s taboo, for better or for worse, though it’s most certainly for worse. Meh.